Easter Sunday 2010

Well, here I go again. Another doomy blog. Honestly when I set this up, I thought I would be posting lots of cool things but it turns out that I'm using my space here to vent out my frustrations and organize my thoughts. Easter Sunday is only good I guess if you're a child, have children, are part of some big family, or perhaps are the really religious type. I do have fond childhood memories of the Easter bunny, chocolate eggs, Easter egg hunts and all that stuff. We all used to get dressed up in new clothes, usually white, my mom always said it was the time of year you put away your winter wardrobe and got out your summer one, and if necessary go on shopping sprees to get new outfits and show them all off.... to people at church.... to people around town... to cousins and aunts.... why was this custom so important? And after mass, and egg hunts and easter bunnies, there was always some big feast with a smorgasboard (no idea how to spell that omg) but I do remember there was always ham and deviled eggs, with cranberry juice served in itsy bitsy glasses. Later we'd make the day of it, go to a horse race I think, take a promenade along the river or walk through some nicely mowed park to check out the flowers that were about to bloom. Yeah, Easter! Traditions? Why am I getting so nostalgic? I honestly didn't even think about all that stuff till right now.
It's just because I guess, whatever, if you're alone, and living in France it really sucks! It is still cold, still rainy, there is nothing to do, everything is shut, everyone has disappeared lord knows where, no sign of any resurrection here. Sigh!
The real coup de grace for my morale was the phone call to my parents at the nursing home. I'm not the only one sad and alone, but at least they don't even remember that everything that characterized their life for so many years and was so important for them, is gone.... Today my mom was brain dead. I really tried to have a conversation with her. I ended up sounding like the cop interrogating a suspect that just would not answer. So what this and what that and when and where and how and why? All I could get from her was a uh-huh, yes honey, and a few I don't knows. It's terrible to get like that. As for my dad, well, he was talkative today. But I've got to follow him into wonderland. Nothing he says is even remotely connected to reality. But I got a half hour out of him, going from navy stories, to WWII, to car accidents in the 1960's that might (not) have really happened, to conversations with nurses and guests and doctors that might (not) be real, to family gossip, and future plans, and his vision of reality.... all of which is completely bogus, I think. Talking to him confuses me so much, but I happily followed him into his world. Nobody else will. I owe him that.
So, all of this musing brings me back to the point/doubt/idea that has been in my mind unanswered for several months now. Could I possibly return home, take them out of that nursing home, move in with them in their old house, take care of them (with all that entails and implies... getting them up and dressed, maybe bathing them, certainly given them shots, medicine, cooking, cleaning etc. etc.) indefinitely? Sigh. sigh. It would please them, it would please others, maybe it would please me too?, it wouldn't please my sister(s) but f*** them. Just maybe it would have good results, just maybe it would be a success story, maybe a bit of love and care from me would do wonders. It would at least save them from losing all their estate from greedy health care workers... Just maybe, this is the right decision to take and the right thing to do.... But just maybe also, I would fail... I'm not a nurse by any exaggeration of the term. Giving shots of insulin? Well, terrifying as it might be I could do it. Restraining them if they want to leave, how aweful. Just maybe 24/7 looked in a house with them would kill me before them. So I here we are again with my yes, no, maybes. Wouldn't it be nice? Literally or sarcastic?
Easter Sunday in Metz, France 2010. Great
Rontay