Last week, a colleague in the staff room where teachers have coffee between classes, floored me by using the dreaded "vous" word with me. Why so dreaded you say? Well, according to my calculations he is most definitely part of the group of people who should have said "tu" to me. We are about the same age, do the same job, are on a first name basis and everyone else we mutally know say "tu" to one other and to us. When this situation occurs, I become literally paralyzed. I don't feel comfortable asking this guy why he decided to "vouvoie" me after all. I guess I could have chosen to answer him with "tu", but I don't like forcing the issue either. And just what if after using "tu" he insisted on saying "vous" to me? Could he get offended by my "tu" and make a fuss out of it? Women here seem to have it much easier. Some quite naturally would have called him out on it. The trick works like this: "Hey there, use only 'tu' with me! You hear! I'm not your granny. Ha ha." Literally this kind of situation cuts the wind out of me. Out of principle, I just simply will not answer with "vous". I cringe at the thought. I take this situation like someone throwing icy cold water on me on a winter's day. When "vous" is unexpected, it makes a statement: "Notice there is a clear barrier between us. I don't want your friendship and keep your conversation on a professional level. Then go away. Got that?" As a result, addressing him felt really awkward as I resorted to the third person just to avoid saying "you". I was hoping so much for someone else, anyone else to come into the room so I could use the plural you. Luckily in French -- contrary to Spanish, Italian or German-- in the plural there is no difference. Needless to say our conversation came to an abrupt end. If he had wanted to create distance, that's a big "if", it certainly worked. I won't be talking to him again any time soon.
Strangely enough in my life now there are quite a few people floating between "tu" and "vous". In these cases I cannot clearly assign them a category. I have noticed there is considerable hesitation going on in both directions. When I see one of these individuals, I rush to ask them first the omnipresent "Bonjour! Ca va? - how's it going question?" because if they ask it to me first I then have that terrible burden of answering "fine,and you?", which means I have to choose "tu" or "vous"! Actually we go to incredible lengths not to have to make the choice. The "royal we" works splendidly, the general "one" too, we also mysteriously include friends, family and/or coworkers --all of whom are not present -- into the formula just to be able to get to those safe plural forms. "What are you guys in the technical department up to? Did you all have a good lunch?" If it becomes really bothersome to handle anymore, it's also possible to search out a third person to bring into the picture; a person who says "tu" to both of you. That will work to tip the balance. For example, if I accompany a certain lady I know to the technical department some day I'm sure I'll come out using "tu" with all of them. Mission accomplie.
As I'm writing I'm feeling more mift at that colleague in the staff room. There's no reason why he should have come out with that damn "vous"!
I must say, I'm not by any means against "le vouvoiement" though. I have an excellent rapport with two elderly ladies who I will always say "vous" to. Yes, similarly I'm on a first name basis with both of them, yet since they are of a certain generation and social class, besides they pay me to teach them English, I know our "vous" is permanent. I'm totally fine with that too! When Lily pours me tea, smiles and asks me with "vous" if I want one lump of sugar or two, it sounds so delightful and sweet.
In complete contast, all my bosses use "tu" with me without exception and have so since the very first day. They never gave me any choice in that matter. Despite the kisses on the cheeks every time we see each other followed by 5 "tu's" in a row, we are far from having an intimate relationship. I don't even want to socialize with them! The idea I guess is that all people working in a certain organizational structure form a "family" bond so they must use "tu" together.
Besides that, I don't mind using "vous" with students, anyone in any kind of administrative capacity, or authority figures. That feels right to me. It's obvious I don't want them to get too familiar with me. I celebrate the thickness of those walls. I also believe there are some contexts where a little bit of respect is more than welcome.
Further I'm afraid of Freudian slips. I have a tendency to drift ever so naturally to "tu" without wanting to. I've been known to be talking in "vous" and for some strange reason switch to "tu" in the middle of a sentence. This can even be with someone I must definitely "vouvoyer". I hear it immediately when it comes out but then it's way too late. The damage has been done. Obviously that immediately puts the other person on the spot. They do have to decide whether or not to follow into "tu" or reaffirm their opposition with a clearly audible "vous". I've had both happen. At least after that moment, it's clear where you're headed... The other day when I said good bye to a certain nurse I used "tu". A real "faux pas". There is absolutely no justified reason why I should have permitted myself to use "tu" with her. Using "tu" when you shouldn't implies you have no respect for someone nor the job they do. Mind you, all insults in French are with "tu"! I regretted my "tu" immediately. It just blurted out of my mouth. I saw in her eyes she didn't know to handle this. She avoided addressing the issue, smiled and walked away. It'll be interesting to see what happens next time. I'm going to make sure I say "Bonjour. Ça va?" first. I bet she answers with "vous"!
Finally what prompted me to write about this issue right now is what occurred tonight. Out of the blue "Laurent" the owner of a restaurant I frequent started using "tu". It was really unexpected. After that, everyone connected to him magically followed his example with "tu" all around. I wonder if I should feel honored or offended. He did force it on me and I am his customer! Yet, I have a warm feeling about it. I totally felt the barriers falling down around me.
Compare the waiter with my colleague experience. I scratch my head in bewilderment!
In school we learn that are precise rules governing when you have to use "vous" and "tu" in French. Unfortunately, in my experience there is absolutely no logic to it. In reality, much of the time there are substantial grey areas that are more or less uncomfortable. After ten years in France I still have not cracked the code.
Copyright 2012 Merquiades
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