I stopped smoking on December 15, 2009. That'll be 5 months soon. The longest time ever! And yes, I have the intention of never smoking again in my life. In the past I have stopped quite often for one or two months at a time. But I always give in. Always the same reason. Well, only one. Why should I deprive myself of this pleasure? It's usually at a party, with a friend, seeing someone light up, and I say... well, why not!
Actually, I have developed really quite a few misconceived notions about smoking... all enabling me to go on in my habit. Number one: no matter what they say "Cool" people smoke. All the most interesting people smoke... artists, writers, musicians, travelers, intellectuals... people who do cool things like going out on Saturday night, those who have the best wild ideas, the most beautiful looks, the witty conversation.... all opposed to the boring, conservative, conformists... who live like chattle, drivin' them pickup trucks, sitting in their swings behind those white picket fences. I guess I still believe that somewhat, even though I know that doesn't keep my chosen people from dying young, having a lung removed, carrying an air tank around with them. Leading to Number two: nothing bad really ever happens to people who smoke. Never known anyone to die, never know anyone to get cancer, they all living the good life! And number three: it really is a pleasure. Take one puff and you're in nirvana. That puff on the balcony at sunset: Wow! With coffee, yum! With rosé wine, ambrosia! With whiskey and coke on the rocks, heaven! So, these ideas are still in my head, they are so hard to fight, cause I still believe them.
Now about my habit. I started this (on and off) smoking some 20 years ago, which actually means that the years with some smoking involved now outnumber those that were cigarette-free. What kind of smoker was I? Well, not the kind I guess most people are. Not what until a few years ago I would have called the real smoker: those who start puffing at dawn, take their pack with them everywhere, take smoke breaks at work, and by evening have smoked a whole pack maybe at a rate of one or two per hour. That's not me. I was the binge smoker. None all day followed by 6 in an hour, on weekend party nights more than a pack in one night... I'm kind of like what Sue Ellen Ewing was to drinking. One taste and you can't stop.. Curious I've never heard of studies on this kind of smoker. I can't be unique. It took me a while to realize I was hooked. Some situations like the evening balcony scene are irreplaceable. Stopping all together unheard of.
So how did I manage to stop this time? Cold turkey like always... it's never been a problem. Stop buying cigarettes, destroy ash trays, get rid of reminders, block balcony door permanently. I must say the new smoking laws in France banning cigarettes in public places, bars, restaurants, the workplace have really helped. Smoking in the street was never my habit, as was smoking without some kind of drink in my hand, and to a certain extent, smoking standing up anywhere. No way I'm going to go out in the cold and rain of northern France for a smoke. Ixnay! Also, I know what triggers the cigarette and I have (until now) mastered it. I know the just one, how logical as it may be, cannot work in my case. Not taking that is always the answer. Other positive ideas have also entered my mind. 1) my slight asthma has cured up. I can climb a flight of stairs without panting; 2) I ABHORE the smell of tobacco, and I never find it on my clothes, hands, body, or by way of clothes in my apartment. I also get nausious when I smell it on others too; 3) instead of the negative role models, I've recently sought out or paid more attention to the victims... old, decrepid, coughing, weezing, dying victims of a lifetime of smoking who curiously enough are still puffing away. That's not cool. No it isn't; 4) I realize the pleasure only lasts for a minute, afterwards it fades, sometimes after a cig, I even felt slightly sick and had to lie down, and of course, I wanted another; 5) I am secretly a vain person... nobody would guess it, but really I am, and I've read evidence that smoking causes bad skin, quicker ageing, and above all it causes hair to fall out. Since I have been fighting an unsuccessful losing battle with baldness, well it can't hurt to stop. Many of those old decrepid poor smokers are also bald. Gosh!; 6) packs of cigarettes are really expensive now.. I have saved so much money, it's astonishing. Even the cheap foreign packs are 2,50, French ones 5,00 euros. If I did 3 or 4 packs a week, that's 50 a month. I'm actually going to fund my Summer trip to Spain on money saved. If I can keep myself from smoking in cig loving Barcelona, that's another story.
Writing this is helping me. Because to be honest, Springtime has brought back to me a desire for a cigarette despite of it all. The cold weather is no longer a deterrent, social life is picking up again, and I see lots of cool people enjoying their puff of tobacco wherever I go. Temperatures are rising and i've always like hot-weather smoking. Same old arguments still there... Deny myself a pleasure for life? Anyway, my goal for now is a smoke-free 2010, the first one since about 1990. We'll see how it goes!
P.S. Big pat on the back to me! This is the first time I have successfully put in a picture! Ok, granted it's not the way I wanted them to appear, but one thing at a time.
Rontay
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